GONE

mikes niece had her 1st bday party today. so, there i was surrounded by his family without him. they are a great family, accepting and kind. but i always am around them with him,, so where is he,, my brain is afraid to tell me the truth, he is gone,, every bday party, he is gone, every meal, gone,, every milestone, gone!!! ALL GONE !!!!! GONE!! but i dont feel it as true yet. my heart doesnt know he is dead, to my heart, he is just away, somewhere else,, he will be back! i tell myself over and over,, mike died, my fiance is dead, no wedding pictures, do i know its real? no.

we had planned on having a fun wedding, i was married before, (still am on paper) but have been separated for yrs and through that i met this wonderful man who asked me to marry him. we were going to have a 'fire' themed wedding, with flames at the bottom of my dress, drive away in a hot rod painted with flames,,, so fun,,, so not only do i have to let go of him, i have to let go of EVERY plan we ever made, all of our dreams together,,, GONE,, ALL GONE
.

michael is gone, my children and i remain to hold the memories that we have of him,, to share with his only son who will never remember him at all.. just a box of belongings and heartfelt stories will be passed to my baby, "here child, his is what remains of the man you will never know",,, because he is GONE