GONE

mikes niece had her 1st bday party today. so, there i was surrounded by his family without him. they are a great family, accepting and kind. but i always am around them with him,, so where is he,, my brain is afraid to tell me the truth, he is gone,, every bday party, he is gone, every meal, gone,, every milestone, gone!!! ALL GONE !!!!! GONE!! but i dont feel it as true yet. my heart doesnt know he is dead, to my heart, he is just away, somewhere else,, he will be back! i tell myself over and over,, mike died, my fiance is dead, no wedding pictures, do i know its real? no.

we had planned on having a fun wedding, i was married before, (still am on paper) but have been separated for yrs and through that i met this wonderful man who asked me to marry him. we were going to have a 'fire' themed wedding, with flames at the bottom of my dress, drive away in a hot rod painted with flames,,, so fun,,, so not only do i have to let go of him, i have to let go of EVERY plan we ever made, all of our dreams together,,, GONE,, ALL GONE
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michael is gone, my children and i remain to hold the memories that we have of him,, to share with his only son who will never remember him at all.. just a box of belongings and heartfelt stories will be passed to my baby, "here child, his is what remains of the man you will never know",,, because he is GONE

i am the widow without the wedding

so, my fiance died three weeks ago, exactly one week before our son (my fourth and final child) turned three months old. i need an outlet to heal, vent, distract, help, hurt and repair my self. so now again i am a single mom, of four this time, one with serious disabilities. i will do it! i wont always be strong, as im sure you will read, but i cant let this tragedy take my life. so here i will be all the things i need to be. i will never use a capital,, i over use comas,, and,,,, i love a good run-on sentence.... i write like i speak, weather grammatically correct or not,, and i have a really bad potty mouth.

im 31yrs old, married, separated, engaged, and widowed, sounds pretty tray-la right? well, to me, it sounds like real life. not everyone gets the perfect happily ever after, i mean, what the fuck,, i was happy,,, and bam, hit by a fucking mac truck. watched them do c.p.r. on my fiance, michael. just wasnt enough to bring him back. i have never felt pain like this before. but i dont have the option of falling apart, i still have to raise my kids, but really, id love to crawl in a hole and cry for a good three months, but then i would miss so much of my sons firsts... im in for a fight!

my kids are 11yrs old, 9 yrs old, 7yrs old, and 3months old. so throughout my grief i will also raise my babies. hopefully this will help someone else who is grieving to know they are not alone. so many times we hear about a widow whose children are grown, but not often do we hear about us widows who still have small children. so, if i can survive, anyone can. here we go.......